It’s more of a personal growth, an obstacle within the Self that I have to overcome. I made a promise to myself. A part of me believes that I’m ready, that now is the right time. It’s amazing how much I’ve grown in these past couple of years. The worst year of my life, 2013, or as i like to call it, The Great Depression, started making its comeback last year. I could tell in an instant. I was better aware now, wiser. I knew the signs like the back of my hand. Un-called-for crying spells, cocky and bitter demeanor, sabotaging all friendships, indulging in self-destructive behaviors. All of them painted a picture. A picture I had already lived in. It took me some time to come out. I knew I was hurting, but being aware of it was not enough. I didn’t know how to help myself. The turning point was Rushaan’s death, or rather, suicide. When i heard it first, i remember forgetting how to breath. It shook me so violently. All i could see was myself in her shoes. I started imagining scenarios. Ugly pictures. Me jumping off the college corridors, me stabbing myself with a knife, me drinking rat poison. Whenever i would close my eyes all i could see was a razor smoothly running through flesh, breaking skin leaving a trail of exposed meat, blood oozing out. It was hell but it felt like home.
Once you’ve had it for a long time, depression starts feeling like that– home, a safe space, a comfort zone. You never want to get out of it. The picture is ugly but it feels like a warm blanket on a cold night. Recovery feels like a frigid breeze. And every step you take to get out is heavier than walking out of frozen lake. Once you do get out, the wind slaps you in the face and all traces of that cozy sleep escape, your eyes open up to reality.
So I made a promise to myself this year. What I am about to do may feel like a slap in the face. It maybe the worst slap of all the other self-growth decisions I’ve taken this year. It may be the dumbest thing I will be remembered for in my college, I may be made fun of (hell I’m probably already being made fun of), the other person may think of me as a lovesick loser, but I still want to do it. If I succeed it would mean I won over my Shadow. That I overcame my doubts, widened my comfort zone, and took a step closer to integrating my thoughts with my reality. It’s about me growing and finally making friends with someone I’ve fancied for the longest time.