I’ve figured out my obsession with social media and posting something all the time. It’s because it gives me some sort of comfort, some proof that i do exist. That i am real and i have a presence. If its on the screen in front of me with my name on it and people engage with it, it means somebody must’ve posted it and typed it and this somebody actually exists in the real world. It’s like a reciept that yes these memories actually happened and im not imagining them.

Cows?

This has to be the first time in my life that I’ve ever dreamt of cows. The vision is etched in my head, i couldn’t stop thinking of it all day. All that comes to my mind is the pharaohs and how Yousuf’s prediction of the king’s dream of cows was 7 years of doom. Anyway, i dreamt of cows. They were so big, so otherworldly. Majestic is how i would describe them, twice the size of normal cows.

I was in a park or a field of sorts outside a school i went to i think. I was on the field talking to someone and suddenly the atmosphere grows gloomy. Grey clouds come out of nowhere and all birds start flying wild. A strong wind starts blowing leaves off of trees. An impending storm. I start running in the direction of the road and there i see them. Rows of white/tan-ish cows sitting on the edges of the road on either side, but they’re sitting in pairs, a male then a female then a male then a female, i can tell by the horns. They are not normal ordinary earthly cows. They shine, no radiate in the dark. When they stand up the tower upon you. I remember being so mesmerized by them in the dream, I said out loud “mehoon?” which is sindhi for cows, and one of the male cows, the one with horns looked at me and replied “mehn” as if to affirm.

When it starts pouring, they gather in pairs, a male and a female and start running in the direction of a tower. I grab the tail of one of the female cows and it leads me to it. Theoretically i should stumble and fall and the cow should kick me to get me off but none of that happens. I glide through the fields and let go only when we reach the tower. There’s stairs that lead up to a warm room, i walk up and see other girls who have also sought refuge from the storm.¬† I don’t remember the rest of the dream, but the cows…they will haunt me for a couple of days it seems.

Stagnant

When i try thinking of how this year went, the only word that I keeps flashing in bold in my head is this: stagnant. I’ve only been stagnant this year. I’ve just oscilated from one point to the other, from the starting point to the ending point and then back to the starting point, with no productive outcome, no net movement. I’m in the same state of mind I was in December of 2018. I am living in the same emotions and the same thoughts with zero growth. I entered 2019 with the aim of being happier, but I’m caught up in the same habits, I still smoke, now more than ever, I’m starving myself because I want to rot off in slow unnoticeable ways, I am unconsciously doing things to myself and people around me to make them repulsed by me so that I can die in peace. I have no energy to make effort anymore and I’m scared it will only get worse next year.

I have achieved nothing, I haven’t read and learnt more. I’m stuck in time and I can’t seem to move forward. As if my feet are cemented in the ground.

happiness

“when the sun is ready to set this new year’s eve, I hope it takes me with. so when dawn creeps up on January first, and a new light prisms through the clouds, I pray it falls on my street, on new leaves and fresh hopes. I pray it finds my house,
and creeps through my window, around my bed. i pray it finds me in peace, deep in a final sleep. eyes forever shut.”

.

i dont want to die anymore. i wrote this a few days back and its taking every fibre in my being to convince myself that i dont have to die as a solution. i was looking thru last years journal entries to see how far I’ve come. Every page says the same thing in different words. All i wanted was to be happy this year. To find joy. to see how it actually feels to be sane. normal. having a healthy brain that shuts up when u want it to.

For this year, i want to be happy. I want to be actually happy. i will seek help and not try solving everything on my own. Im attaching this for 2021 me to look at and feel proud of how far I’ve come. I want to live till atleast next year. Getting rid of myself is not the solution. it will cause more damage than good. i have an example to set and i cant ruin suhaee’s life like this. it would be extremely selfish of me. i want to stay alive. atleast for 1 more year.