As I write this, I am sitting at the dining table, in a new home. An old yet new home. I realized peace is only a luxury that you have to let come to you. You have to open the doors for it first. The news blares in red and blue in Mum and dad’s room. Everything is a headline, except for what is important. Mum is playing with my little sister, they’re making some craft again. Everyone’s in their rooms, “working”. It used to baffle me how often people change their spots of comfort, especially women. One day you’re sitting in your home, the next you’re sitting in another home that is “also yours” they say. Also yours, as if we own either of them. Life is just this isn’t it then, just a hop from one home to the next. But I have sworn an oath to myself. I will not move into another house that isn’t mine. Marriage is a trap and I an eagle that will never slip. What am I even blabbing on about. My head is on the verge of exploding from this migraine. This is the worst depression slump— no wait, ONE of the worst depression slumps I’ve had lately. I should make chamomile tea. Maybe sometimes its okay to not make sense. Sometimes being happy is the only thing that should be important and not the source of that happiness. Music makes me so happy, so comfortable, it soothes me so effortlessly like a whole day of shit and I plug in my headphones, just one song in and it all dissolves like meringues in your mouth. Whoever said jazz is the music of the devil was deaf. I forgot why I started writing this.
it hit me today that I’m just half a month away from turning twenty three. For the first time ever I don’t feel bad about it all. i guess my brain has finally accepted that I will age and my mind will grow i will have new experiences and life will go on. speaking of which, its not a burden anymore, life. i was reading a poem I wrote before turning twenty, I’ve wanted to die for as long as I can remember, never wanted another birthday, but for some reason, I don’t anymore. I think it started last year. Last year was also a good birthday. i remember actually looking forward to it. this year too it will be with the people I love and I’ll have good memories associated with it. the sad is still there, its been there so long I think its started growing weed. Its blooming into something beautiful to hide the ugliness of it all. or maybe its healing, I cant really tell. I only know that I like it all. All of it, I want to take it in whole. Everything life has to offer, I want it all. i want to live. to the fullest. for a long enough time. then maybe at 37 I will end it. that should be good.
I am more conflicted now than I have ever been. A sense of uncertainty and indecisiveness has always prevailed my life and I’ve have grown used to the constant ifs and buts and what-ifs. But this, THIS feeling, its so new. Its a very weird emotion, very familiar but very foreign at the same time. Like a deja vu. Is this a defense mechanism? is this reaction formation? the person I was 5 years ago, I am no longer her. All that i stood for then is like meaningless words written on a crumpled sheet of paper carelessly thrown in a bin. A bad idea useless and stupid, discarded. Everyone I meet, everyone I talk to reminds me of myself from 5 years ago. Its like an alien world where i can’t see my reflection in anyone else. As childish as it may sound i want to say it makes me feel like nobody understands me. I am not depressed, i know what depression looks like. But this, this feeling, it borders on dissatisfaction, discontent. I am not ungrateful or unaware of my privileges. I am just sad. So so so sad. So sad it keeps me up at nights. God I’m so sad i wish i could turn this off. Im not even angry anymore. nothing provokes any emotion in me anymore. anger has left me, so has joy. all I’m left with is this. i dont even know who i am, what i stand for. what im feeling right now. what matters and what doesnt. none of it makes sense. Life is an endless ocean and i am just a lifebuoy floating left behind by a ship, always floating in one place. never going forward never drowning and ending it all. Letting the currents move me as they want.