I see you shy away

And retreat your eyes to your feet

Hands in pockets, heart on sleeve

Head buzing with an inner monologue

I wish i could see the thoughts that go down in your dreams

Be able to see just an ounce of what you hide underneath

I stare at you in disbelief

Maybe its true, maybe gods do walk the earth

Or are you an angel that fell and decided to stay

I feel like I’ve known you for an eternity

Your head lifts and our eyes meet

It feels like looking in a mirror

Behind your armour of indifference

I see a human, flesh and blood, mortal

With a heart bursting with emotion,

Hardened by the past, or is it by fear of what is to come?

Like a river that runs down a hundred miles to find its shore

Maybe we were destined to meet

Or maybe we’ve already met in a past life,

And this is us remembering parts of it

This time it’s me who looks away

I remind myself, you’re still a stranger

And destiny is a thing of fantasies

I walk away, but in my heart i know

If we were to ever touch

It would be like two stars colliding

Loved

This blog has evolved into a cathartic journal diary  as if i dont already have 5 different rant accounts all over social media. Its funny, the way i cope with life, the way i resort to speaking online where nobody can judge me or know the real me and the way i am so closed off to everyone around me. It’s not like i havent tried letting people in, its just that my feelings scare me and the thought of opening up gives me a panic attack. One time i was telling my best friend of almost 7 years what i wanted to be in the future and i suddenly couldnt speak, like all muscles had given up in my throught and i could feel tears threatening to fall if i continue even 1 more second, and my hands started shaking too. Its amazing how i cant even talk about something as simple as my future without my body going into overdrive. I dont understand why my friends havent left me yet.

People who dont know me think of me as someone who has everything figured out, someone who is too “cool” to be having any troubles with life. And that brings us to my actual rant. Everywhere i’ve been, every person i’ve known has always loved me. I was the favourite child, the favourite student, the smartest the prettiest the wittiest the one all guys are intimidated by the one who has it all. All these people loved a persona of me. Their liking was based on a part of me that i showed them, my extended family loves the chirpy sociable me on eid get togethers, my teachers loved the shy well-behaved studious me, the guys liked me for my looks, my friends liked me beacause i went out of my way to make them feel good. They would run away if i showed them a part of me that was ugly. If i were vulnerable with them and showed them my insecurities, my fears or my real thoughts, they would all leave. I have never grown to live with the feeling of not being liked, never experienced being the least favourite and the thought of soemone hating me makes me want to throwup from anxiety. They like a persona of me and it should be that way. They like the chirpy, smiley, pretty, shy me and i cant show them the suicidal, ugly, anxious, depressed me. So i speak into the void where the people i know in real life wouldnt have to face the real me. And everybody would live happily ever after. Thats how i’ve planned to live i guess. Not the smartest idea but not like i’m planning to live that long either

Airplanes and Moving on

I dont dream often about airplanes, but when i do, its always painful. Not in the literal sense, its just poignant or plain hurtful to the heart for some reason. Its never a happy dream. Another dream i have had too many times is about moving. Moving on or moving away or moving out, that i have yet to figure out. But one thing I’m sure of, its about moving from a home, my home, either one.

 

Yesterday I dreamt about boarding a plane to the new home again. I never board it per se, I just appear in the seats. Always on the aisle side. Never close to the window. I wasnt alone, all the extended family of mum’s side was on it too, i dont know which one or how many, but their presence was felt. We have to cross a sea, or a river, some body of water that is big enough to produce violent waves and dark clouds sans rain. We have to cross it and its night time. The clouds are heavy but there is no thunder or downpour. I sit in my seat, my fists clenching the armrest as my gut squeezes upon itself, giving me a nauseous feeling. I silently pray and shut my eyes close, i pray we make it out alive. We’re halfway through when suddenly a giant wave makes way for the plane. Its inching closer, threatening to engulf the plane in one go. I think of how awful a death in an ocean would be, how awful dying wet would be. The wave comes for us, and hits the base of the plane, rocking it a bit and leaving our feet wet, but we make it out of it. The plane stumbles but gets back on its tracks moments later. I let out a long held breath. We cross the other half smoothly.

 

When we reach our destination, i realize there is no destination. We made it out here, such a long troublesome journey and it went to no use. We reach a hotel that panders only to the rich. We get our cutlery from a cupboard but its made of plastic, my cousins and i stifle a laugh but eat in it nonetheless. The food is bland. This is not the ending i was hoping for. I fled home but i cant find a destination. But i made it through the storm, a bumpy ride but cathartic nonetheless. I think i’ve cleared the first step. Now i just need to figure out the end.

Update

This blog started as an experiment, i wanted to network and grow with a community of writers, trying to find my kind. but now that i look back, it was nothing more than an identity crisis. when my brain decided this wasnt the real me i switched platforms, hell i switched identities. I am no longer a writer, i am a photographer. isnt that right. who am i even. the person in the mirror, is she real. are the experiences that my mind relies on as concrete, a proof of my existence or they just a thing my brain made up to keep me from facing my real self. i have put so much of myself on the internet it amazes me. was this me trying to find someone who would listen to me, or was it just an outlet for the things i don’t want to say to anyone but a screen. Things i would rather let get lost in a void of bits and zeros.