an open book

an open book but pages blank
anything you write will come to life
pen it down in blood or bile
then close your eyes and pray in time
whatever you write becomes my life
put your words in my mouth
move me as you want, let me off a cliff or in a fire pit
or in a bed of grass, let me lay
master of my fate, entertain your days
till you run out of ink
or you forget because the fascination fizzled out
or it becomes too repetitive a chore and you get bored
and out of tedium you throw the book away
and I lay in the grass, unfinished
my hair grows into the roots of weeds
and maggots find their home in me
and I rest in an unresolved idling
dead bereft the privilege of death

I’ve become so detached from the real world that all my previous goals seem hazy and unimportant right now. It’s too easy to indulge in this slacking lifestyle. These days I’m doing only what i love doing, but no matter what i achieve i still feel like I’m rooted in the same place as before. I feel stagnant. i accept how some of it is my own fault, hell all of it is my own fault. But I’ve lost direction. where do i go. If what i do isn’t what i love doing then what is the purpose of doing it in the first place. I can switch fields, there is still time. It’s been so long since I’ve had these thoughts, a couple years maybe. If i think of giving up now doesn’t that give me all the more reason to not give up.  Midhat says i have a way with all this, she thinks I’m a natural at all this doctor stuff. But I’m a natural at painting too. Maybe these thoughts are coming from a place of ….i don’t know. Maybe i don’t want to put in the hard work that all of this requires. Maybe I’m just being lazy again. But im so tired. so so tired.

writing here has become more of a habit than a hobby. Whenever my head feels like a flock of angry birds, i realize its time to come on here and type it out. It helps me collect my thoughts and diverge them in a clear ordered lane and by the end of the rant im in a relatively peaceful and conclusive state of mind. ( wow sometimes i wonder how much more bs can i come up with like this). These days i feel very intense. There are so many options available for me, yet i choose to suffer like this. Guess this is karma for all the times i’ve done it to others. I think about him everyday, before sleeping and after waking up. It’s taking over my mind like a virus. I would be lying if i said i don’t wait for his text to pop up anytime. This anticipation coupled with the uncertainty about his true feelings makes me feel like a lovesick loser. Sometimes i think that he really does like me more than i believe, but then i am reminded of all the times i tried to make an effort and he let me down. All those chances where he could’ve tried and he took none of them. I wish it was easier. When university was still open i used to think of ways to strike up a conversation every single day, but his mere presence had me weak in the knees, i didn’t even have to look in his eyes. We’re talking about two extremely uneasy and unapproachable people. Why can’t i be like people who can talk to anyone they like. Why does it take me so much longer than normal people to speak. I am so bound by my own internal principles that rebelling of any sort would leave my mind in shambles. This time i leave it up to him to make a move. If nothing happens then with a heavy heart i’ll accept it as a decision of fate. Maybe it was a misunderstanding on my side and in my naivety i took his actions out of context. Or maybe he’s just another one of “those” guys. I’ve been drowning myself in kpop content just waiting for him to disappear from my mind but there is no end to this. I wish there was some solution to this.

Free

I want to write something but my head feels like a block of brick. no thoughts in there. almost as if I’m afraid of thinking too much. no focus. I’m trying to wring out something, anything to get out of this blockage. all I do every day is wake up, youtube, do dishes, shower then back to sleep. Yesterday I had an epiphany, I can’t believe in a god. I had these doubts for so long, of whether I like religion or not, and suddenly yesterday I was on instagram and somebody had shared a recent Asma-ul-husna rendition by atif aslam. I listened to the whole thing and of course i knew all the names by heart with the meanings. I had seen a lot of duas being shared because of ramzan but i didnt bother reading them (because we’re way past that phase in my head), but something tempted me to listen to this, maybe out of a deep-rooted nostalgia. With every name that he sang, i realized the god i was made to believe in was not all these things that he apparently claims to be. I have studied religion and this decision is not coming from a place of ignorance. I’ve studied it better than most people i know. when you open the quran this is what you see in the very first page. A whole list of a 100 qualities of god that aren’t true. he is not all the qualities that he wants his creation to adopt. I respect all religions and i respect people’s decision to follow them but there is no place for a god in my heart. Atleast not a conventional god. I’ve been thinking about this for such a long time, atleast 3 years i’ve had this inner conflict about the place of religion and god in my life, and yesterday the decision was done. A voice in my head said it’s not realistic to believe in a god. All the literature I’ve read on atheism and existentialism and there was still a thread of faith holding me back from fully breaking away. I don’t come from a religious family, and I’ve seen baba lose faith little by little every year from being a deeply religious man to the point where he no longer believes. Collectively religion is important to hold a society together, but individually it is nothing but shackles.

Now that my mind is made up, it feels like I’m free from something that was blinding me. But this freedom also feels like a curse in disguise. I’m as free as a wanderer left on his own in a never-ending desert. All of the desert is his to explore, but he is burdened by the weight of his own liberty. The wanderer is free, but at what cost.

Yay me

just an hour away from turning twenty three. i think if i play IU’s twenty three at 11.59 then her “im twenty three and im a riddle, question” will fall on exactly 12.00 am and what better way of starting this year. i have a very good feeling about this year. Something feels different, i feel content. This year is blessed i can tell.

what

As I write this, I am sitting at the dining table, in a new home. An old yet new home. I realized peace is only a luxury that you have to let come to you. You have to open the doors for it first. The news blares in red and blue in Mum and dad’s room. Everything is a headline, except for what is important. Mum is playing with my little sister, they’re making some craft again. Everyone’s in their rooms, “working”. It used to baffle me how often people change their spots of comfort, especially women. One day you’re sitting in your home, the next you’re sitting in another home that is “also yours” they say. Also yours, as if we own either of them. Life is just this isn’t it then, just a hop from one home to the next. But I have sworn an oath to myself. I will not move into another house that isn’t mine. Marriage is a trap and I an eagle that will never slip. What am I even blabbing on about. My head is on the verge of exploding from this migraine. This is the worst depression slump— no wait, ONE of the worst depression slumps I’ve had lately. I should make chamomile tea. Maybe sometimes its okay to not make sense. Sometimes being happy is the only thing that should be important and not the source of that happiness. Music makes me so happy, so comfortable, it soothes me so effortlessly like a whole day of shit and I plug in my headphones, just one song in and it all dissolves like meringues in your mouth. Whoever said jazz is the music of the devil was deaf. I forgot why I started writing this.

twenty three

it hit me today that I’m just half a month away from turning twenty three. For the first time ever I don’t feel bad about it all. i guess my brain has finally accepted that I will age and my mind will grow i will have new experiences and life will go on. speaking of which, its not a burden anymore, life.  i was reading a poem I wrote before turning twenty, I’ve wanted to die for as long as I can remember, never wanted another birthday, but for some reason, I don’t anymore. I think it started last year. Last year was also a good birthday. i remember actually looking forward to it. this year too it will be with the people I love and I’ll have good memories associated with it. the sad is still there, its been there so long I think its started growing weed. Its blooming into something beautiful to hide the ugliness of it all. or maybe its healing, I cant really tell. I only know that I like it all. All of it, I want to take it in whole. Everything life has to offer, I want it all. i want to live. to the fullest. for a long enough time. then maybe at 37 I will end it. that should be good.

Dear Diary

I am more conflicted now than I have ever been. A sense of uncertainty and indecisiveness has always prevailed my life and I’ve have grown used to the constant ifs and buts and what-ifs. But this, THIS feeling, its so new. Its a very weird emotion, very familiar but very foreign at the same time. Like a deja vu. Is this a defense mechanism? is this reaction formation? the person I was 5 years ago, I am no longer her. All that i stood for then is like meaningless words written on a crumpled sheet of paper carelessly thrown in a bin. A bad idea useless and stupid, discarded. Everyone I meet, everyone I talk to reminds me of myself from 5 years ago. Its like an alien world where i can’t see my reflection in anyone else. As childish as it may sound i want to say it makes me feel like nobody understands me. I am not depressed, i know what depression looks like. But this, this feeling, it borders on dissatisfaction, discontent. I am not ungrateful or unaware of my privileges. I am just sad. So so so sad. So sad it keeps me up at nights. God I’m so sad i wish i could turn this off. Im not even angry anymore. nothing provokes any emotion in me anymore. anger has left me, so has joy. all I’m left with is this. i dont even know who i am, what i stand for. what im feeling right now. what matters and what doesnt. none of it makes sense. Life is an endless ocean and i am just a lifebuoy floating left behind by a ship, always floating in one place. never going forward never drowning and ending it all. Letting the currents move me as they want.

In death’s despite

Sudden Light

I have been here before,
But when or how I cannot tell:
I know the grass beyond the door,
The sweet keen smell,
The sighing sound, the lights around the shore.
You have been mine before,—
How long ago I may not know:
But just when at that swallow’s soar
Your neck turn’d so,
Some veil did fall,—I knew it all of yore.
Has this been thus before?
And shall not thus time’s eddying flight
Still with our lives our love restore
In death’s despite,
And day and night yield one delight once more?
                              —DANTE GABRIEL ROSSETTI

This poem right here. This piece of fking poetry. I am so so mad. I used to think it would be violins playing in the background or some love song if i ever see the love of my life, but it was the opposite. Instead it was silence when i saw him. There was no sound, the world seemed to have fallen dead, my ears lost all hearing for a few moments. The vision, the memory, its fresh in my head as if it all happened yesterday and not four years ago. it felt like the world had been sucked into a blackhole and it was just me and him. This poem is what i felt. We were strangers but it felt like in that moment, we’d already known each other, we were lovers in a past life separated by fate, reborn and right now, here in this life, brought together again to undo it all.

And now no matter how hard i try i cant seem to get out of this blackhole. The more i kick myself out, the more I get sucked in further. It feels like i am grabbing onto dust. Like I’m holding onto sand and it keeps slipping through my fingers. Like i was in the eye of a sandstorm, its calm where i am standing but all around me is chaos. I cant run away, i cant hold onto anything for support. All around me is stinging sand and merciless winds.