now that i’ve figured out yet again that its not another person who can make me whole, i feel lost, surrounded by the same fog. aimlessly watching the days pass by, embraced by the same anxieties that had never really left my side, they were always there lurking in the corners, waiting for me to weaken again. i feel afraid, will these feelings ever leave me? its not inadequacy, its more of a fear. friendlessness. i am at my lowest again. with no one to confide in. i have nothing to be proud of, nothing i can stand on. the year has been so good to me, yet i feel like something is wrong. there is a sorrow that i’ve left unaddressed, not on purpose. its more of a turbulence that i’m avoiding. a tip of the iceberg that can potentially ruin me further if i dug any deeper. i feel so so lost. just a week before i was the happiest i have ever been in these 22 years. life was perfect everything was smooth and then as if some switch turned off on saturday and my sandcastle of happiness came crumbling down, it didnt even take a wave to crash it, it just fell under its own weight. what was it, what was the trigger. what made it happen? was it his voice? was it the shattering of an illusion? he turned out to be a normal human, he wasnt the god i had made him out to be. is that it? was that all? why am i so miserable again.
There’s a small blackhole hanging over existence when i see it from here.
A thin glass wall, thinner than the thread holding back an un-uttered word, a force field fortified by hesitant glances.
The more i try to break it down, the stronger it gets.
Thickens. thicker than the thought of all that could go wrong.
More impenetrable than the solid block of air in between.
I get a heart that cant seem to pause between beats
If i reach out to touch, maybe it would shatter, like an illusion of fate.
If my finger tips were to graze the tapestry of time, maybe it’ll turn to dust like a moth-ridden blanket held together only by blind beliefs, draped over nothingness
If i touch,
Only if i reach out.
Just a small movement of the hand. a twirl of the fingers, and it could all fall.
One touch. traversing all odds
Tearing through all forces of nature that stand in between.
it just struck me today: alot of people dont like me. well not exactly that. like is a strong word. indifferent. a lot of people are just indifferent to my existence. if anything good or bad were to happen to me it wont affect anyone save maybe three people. i used to live in this bubble of pretense. i am important. i am charming. whatever i say or do is worth something, it’s news. but it feels like a curtain has been lifted and the other side has been revealed: the ugly reality that i am not as important as i thought. if i were to dissappear maybe a few people would notice but won’t bother to check the reason for my absence. Then a couple days will pass and all will be forgotten. surhan who? no answer. no one knows. to be struck off the records of life, to become a faint distant memory, blurry and unsure. Did i wish this upon myself? Some time ago i wanted this to happen. I wanted everyone to forget me, but now that i see it slowly manifesting, i hate it.