I’ve become so detached from the real world that all my previous goals seem hazy and unimportant right now. It’s too easy to indulge in this slacking lifestyle. These days I’m doing only what i love doing, but no matter what i achieve i still feel like I’m rooted in the same place as before. I feel stagnant. i accept how some of it is my own fault, hell all of it is my own fault. But I’ve lost direction. where do i go. If what i do isn’t what i love doing then what is the purpose of doing it in the first place. I can switch fields, there is still time. It’s been so long since I’ve had these thoughts, a couple years maybe. If i think of giving up now doesn’t that give me all the more reason to not give up. Midhat says i have a way with all this, she thinks I’m a natural at all this doctor stuff. But I’m a natural at painting too. Maybe these thoughts are coming from a place of ….i don’t know. Maybe i don’t want to put in the hard work that all of this requires. Maybe I’m just being lazy again. But im so tired. so so tired.
writing here has become more of a habit than a hobby. Whenever my head feels like a flock of angry birds, i realize its time to come on here and type it out. It helps me collect my thoughts and diverge them in a clear ordered lane and by the end of the rant im in a relatively peaceful and conclusive state of mind. ( wow sometimes i wonder how much more bs can i come up with like this). These days i feel very intense. There are so many options available for me, yet i choose to suffer like this. Guess this is karma for all the times i’ve done it to others. I think about him everyday, before sleeping and after waking up. It’s taking over my mind like a virus. I would be lying if i said i don’t wait for his text to pop up anytime. This anticipation coupled with the uncertainty about his true feelings makes me feel like a lovesick loser. Sometimes i think that he really does like me more than i believe, but then i am reminded of all the times i tried to make an effort and he let me down. All those chances where he could’ve tried and he took none of them. I wish it was easier. When university was still open i used to think of ways to strike up a conversation every single day, but his mere presence had me weak in the knees, i didn’t even have to look in his eyes. We’re talking about two extremely uneasy and unapproachable people. Why can’t i be like people who can talk to anyone they like. Why does it take me so much longer than normal people to speak. I am so bound by my own internal principles that rebelling of any sort would leave my mind in shambles. This time i leave it up to him to make a move. If nothing happens then with a heavy heart i’ll accept it as a decision of fate. Maybe it was a misunderstanding on my side and in my naivety i took his actions out of context. Or maybe he’s just another one of “those” guys. I’ve been drowning myself in kpop content just waiting for him to disappear from my mind but there is no end to this. I wish there was some solution to this.
I want to write something but my head feels like a block of brick. no thoughts in there. almost as if I’m afraid of thinking too much. no focus. I’m trying to wring out something, anything to get out of this blockage. all I do every day is wake up, youtube, do dishes, shower then back to sleep. Yesterday I had an epiphany, I can’t believe in a god. I had these doubts for so long, of whether I like religion or not, and suddenly yesterday I was on instagram and somebody had shared a recent Asma-ul-husna rendition by atif aslam. I listened to the whole thing and of course i knew all the names by heart with the meanings. I had seen a lot of duas being shared because of ramzan but i didnt bother reading them (because we’re way past that phase in my head), but something tempted me to listen to this, maybe out of a deep-rooted nostalgia. With every name that he sang, i realized the god i was made to believe in was not all these things that he apparently claims to be. I have studied religion and this decision is not coming from a place of ignorance. I’ve studied it better than most people i know. when you open the quran this is what you see in the very first page. A whole list of a 100 qualities of god that aren’t true. he is not all the qualities that he wants his creation to adopt. I respect all religions and i respect people’s decision to follow them but there is no place for a god in my heart. Atleast not a conventional god. I’ve been thinking about this for such a long time, atleast 3 years i’ve had this inner conflict about the place of religion and god in my life, and yesterday the decision was done. A voice in my head said it’s not realistic to believe in a god. All the literature I’ve read on atheism and existentialism and there was still a thread of faith holding me back from fully breaking away. I don’t come from a religious family, and I’ve seen baba lose faith little by little every year from being a deeply religious man to the point where he no longer believes. Collectively religion is important to hold a society together, but individually it is nothing but shackles.
Now that my mind is made up, it feels like I’m free from something that was blinding me. But this freedom also feels like a curse in disguise. I’m as free as a wanderer left on his own in a never-ending desert. All of the desert is his to explore, but he is burdened by the weight of his own liberty. The wanderer is free, but at what cost.
just an hour away from turning twenty three. i think if i play IU’s twenty three at 11.59 then her “im twenty three and im a riddle, question” will fall on exactly 12.00 am and what better way of starting this year. i have a very good feeling about this year. Something feels different, i feel content. This year is blessed i can tell.