im so full of sadness these days if i were to drill a hole in me and drain it all out it would flood the room knee deep and there’d still be tonnes to spare
Last night I dreamt of a flood. Noah’s flood. It had engulfed the whole of earth, with only a handful of survivors. No one that i would know survived, no one from the family, none of my friends, not one familiar face. I remember waking up from my hiding place and i saw water everywhere. There were remnants of a past human existence scattered in the scenery here and there, half a broken house, a few trees, no cattle. It felt like Ranipur, if you took away all signs of life. As if civilization has been birthed again and i was chosen to be a part of it. Like God wanted me to have a second chance at life. A reincarnation. I try to help the people around me, run errands for them, fetch them food and water. Everyone seems to be recovering from a long sleep. These people weren’t exceptionally pious. They seemed conflicted by normal human dilemmas, they had a very natural response to emotions and problems, they had no wisdom, no higher understanding of the mind, like the easily mould-able proletariat. They were simple and i saw myself as one of them. It occurs to me that we all survived by staying inside inflatable balloons of sorts when the floods came. And now after staying hidden we’ve come out to clear skies and sea everywhere. It feels more like we were hiding rather than sheltering ourselves, hiding from a higher power, maybe even God? I don’t know. It seemed too easy for the all-knowing to not have noticed he missed out a few while wiping out the entire earth.
I never see the flood coming, i just wake up in the dream, inside my balloon, with no memory of the past or how long i stayed in. The mood is not chaotic either, it’s more like a purge. A cleanse of sorts. Life flourishes better now. Things are more beautiful now. The flood was a need.
Never before in my life have i felt more alone. I have more friends than i’ve ever had, i have a loving family, a successful life. I’m doing better than i have ever before, yet this constant state of sadness and loneliness is eating at me. i feel like i have no physical presence, i don’t occupy any space, as if im not matter. i am a thought, an abstract concept that ought to be forgotten. a ghost that only exists faintly in memories.
I dreamt of crossing a four way intersection road, like the ones you find on M.A. Jinnah. I was in my college clothes, it was dark, well past maghrib and i had my laptop clutched in front of my chest like a shield. my hair was half up, the way i used to make it in July. I was alone and scared and big cars kept driving past from all directions, barely missing me. i remember feeling so lost, so alone in the dream i cried. i was trying my best to get through but i felt so weak, so small. i couldn’t cross. no matter how much i walked i never made it farther than the middle of the road. There was still an acre of it left to cross. The traffic police man didn’t see me, or at least pretended not to, or didn’t care. Blur blinding lights kept speeding past me. I woke up sweaty, with that same ache in my chest.
Theres a part of me that doesnt want to die. like a cancerous growth that wants to dominate. a tiny brain that wants to escape into reality, wants to replace my thoughts and live my life for me. i have wanted to die for the longest time and suddenly i dont anymore. i dont get fantasies of shooting my brains or jumping off buildings or stabbing my stomach with a kitchen knife. i want to let it live through me. im tired and i want to let go.
I want out. An escape. Something, anything that can stop me from feeling the way i feel now. Anything to stop thinking. I want to run away from everything. to disappear and never return. i cant die. dying would be more of a burden on everyone else but me. but i dont want to live like this. i would rather walk through life like a robot, avoiding all feeling all emotion. any kind of thinking that doesnt involve studies is strictly prohibited. no emotions whatsoever sadness is allowed sparingly no more speaking unless absolutely necessary, no more you. its a combined effort from here on, autopilot mode here on. we’re on the same team.