on Wednesday night 7th of february, 2018, at 2:08 am i cut my hair in my sink. The scissors we’re orange but when they cut through my hair they seemed to be dripping with blood, dripping into my sink. white sink with dots of red and hair. So much hair. On 7th of February 2018,  wednesday night at 2.15 am i cried while i held the bleeding scissors and my bleeding hair in my hands. They slipped through my fingers and fell on the white tiles, painting a pretty picture. The tiny patches of skin on my hands where the scarlet hadn’t yet touched, watched in shame. look at the glory of what the blood has done. i took a picture. but there was no blood in the picture. lorde played in the background. please could you be tender, she whispered. and it seemed like my body was crying to my hands, telling them to be tender. it cant hold more. kill yourself already my head said to me. kill yourself already, kill yourself already. break the mirror and stick the largest shard into your stomach. do it with the scissors. bang your head on the tiles till its smashed. swallow rat poison it’s right there in the cabinet, second shelf. nobody to stop you now. drink that drainage acid and do the world a favour.

 

 

on 18th of February i had my first cigarette. left me craving for another. anything to make sure this hell passed faster. look at me sounding like those 12 year olds who claim to be depressed. why am i still alive.

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Deciet

When blood runs stale
And veins go limp
When hearts go numb
And tears turn a scarlet shade
Limbs swell up and maggots assemble
When brains seep through nostrils galore
Then Lord looks down upon man, and says;
“Come to me, I’ve freed you from a hellish abode.”
Gullible and naive, the soul flies to the Maker’s embrace
Stumbles towards the eternal, stumbles towards a haze
What do you know, Oh you credulous being!
At the end of your final pilgrimage,
A hell far worse than earth awaits your grace.

 

 

 

13/09/2017

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What is it that you have

coursing in your veins

some magnet or a fire

that flushes your face

what that does to my body

i can’t begin to explain

what you do to my body

i can’t ever anticipate

one look and my heart melts

scarlet drips inside the edges of my ribs

my lungs betray me and my breath sinks

my eyes always fall to the curve of your lips

i would give anything to feel you just once

one look from you and i get weak

my mind only yearns the taste of you

to feel the warmth of your chest

and the warmth of your breath

on my neck

you’re an obsession i’d like to never cure

your smile plays in my mind like a flower in bloom

do you even realize the effect you have on me

 

 

Twenty

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The day i turned twenty

The muscles in my heart pump slower than they did at nineteen

And another thousand irreplaceable neurons died on me

And another thousand pints of blood and sweat I’d breathed life into

All naivety of teen years shed off like old skin, I rose

Writhed out of my past and rose out of it in all futility

The day I turned twenty

A world full of good and evil lay infront of me

My chances of getting heard were greater than they were at Nineteen

Yet I stay trapped in a decaying form of flesh and bone

In wait for an escape to rescue me

To save me from the claws of my own being

Today I feel the noose tighten around my throat

Because today I’m seting myself free

One hundred cells at a time, one hundred memories gone

Now the muscles in my heart don’t pump and all cells have given up on me

Waste of space reclaimed by my dead body

No good it ever did to me, turning twenty.

 

 

 

 

Genesis

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We waltzed into hell

Clouds of forbidden flames,

A sickening scent of freedom,

Blinded by desire,

Our numb intuition,

And senses paralyzed,

We made our way in.

Here an eternal prison for us awaits,

With arms open wide,

A fatal embrace.

Genesis of the mind.

 

 

Easy Art

I had rendered it impossibe

But you seem to have had passed

I thought it as the strangest thing

For a person to feel like art

Every quote that ever went

Along the lines of love

Felt to have fallen out of a fool’s fantasy

Too warm to break the ice in this heart

But when you lent me some of your light

The darkest parts of me grew roses

How did you do it, what a rude impasse

I look at you like I would look at the stars

The same wonder fills my gaze

How did you carve your place in my heart?

Should you be punished for such a crime

Or should I just spend the next few minutes

Locking in the memory of you, the scent of your being

The way your lock falls on your brow

Or the way you blush when we touch

Or the way your sweat lines the edges of your jaw 

Or how tears line your cheekbones when you look at children

Look at me already staring too long

I wish we could say out loud what went on in our heads

If only it was as easy as the love quotes make it sound

Haiku: Love

My love for you flows
Like waterfalls through the pores
Of my skin and soul

I let you in whole
Inhaled the beauty of your being
And memorized you

Should my love lie bare
On the floor one day, among shards
Of a broken heart

And you let go like
Sand trickling out of the vaults
That you broke into

I clean bits of you
Off my shattered mind and soul
And remind myself

My love for you flows
Like a swelling river that
In abundance floods

War guns

They say that it’s an art son
Making humans into war guns
Paper people, hearts blunt
Slide into your armours
That face deserves stardom
Your blood is to run in their gardens
Before planes shower pardons
What if the holy martyr
Turns out to be a bastard
What of the promised dark suns
This night lingers in all months
Go fix that paper mask
Paint it with soot and tar
Let flames engulf your mansions
Tonight we talk through arson
Die with brave scars sons
Reclaim what was ours once
Steady your guns, soldiers
Brewing wars they say, is an art son.

 

Imagine 

Imagine if I came to you
Fly across all oceans and skies and tear through the clouds and the stars
See the sun spit fire in all it’s rage 
And pass the moon as he weeps from lifelessness
What if I float through the dark forever, let it consume me and become me
Disintegrate my mind to tiny bits and pieces
Would I then be close to you my Maker?
This soul wants to leave and reach you
My dreams only show me a light that I must float to
I tried writing poems for you but my pen loses rhyme every time I think of you
My jaw quivers and my eyes get cloudy, the pen scribbles as if it has a life of its own
If I came to you my Maker, would you love me for hating you 
Would you forgive me and show me and remove the knot from my mind
Would you place a piece of your light where my heart should be
Smile at me like a teacher does at a struggling student
“Think deeply about the wonders and creation of the universe”, you had said
Drove me into madness, now cure me my Maker
You made me and the angels and the Devils and all evil
They say you will everything but you kill everything too
Am I insane or are they
They call you names and I have too but I want to not hate you 
I fall on omy knees in prostration every time do
I am insane just as you had willed it to be
And I want to come running to you
This flesh and this earth imprisons me, separates me from you
Will it that I may come floating to you
Tell the keepers of my soul that it’s time for my release
That it’s time for me to meet you
Will it my Maker and kill this prison of life 
So that I may reach the light of you
Leave the futility of earthly matters and see the absolute