Dear Diary

I am more conflicted now than I have ever been. A sense of uncertainty and indecisiveness has always prevailed my life and I’ve have grown used to the constant ifs and buts and what-ifs. But this, THIS feeling, its so new. Its a very weird emotion, very familiar but very foreign at the same time. Like a deja vu. Is this a defense mechanism? is this reaction formation? the person I was 5 years ago, I am no longer her. All that i stood for then is like meaningless words written on a crumpled sheet of paper carelessly thrown in a bin. A bad idea useless and stupid, discarded. Everyone I meet, everyone I talk to reminds me of myself from 5 years ago. Its like an alien world where i can’t see my reflection in anyone else. As childish as it may sound i want to say it makes me feel like nobody understands me. I am not depressed, i know what depression looks like. But this, this feeling, it borders on dissatisfaction, discontent. I am not ungrateful or unaware of my privileges. I am just sad. So so so sad. So sad it keeps me up at nights. God I’m so sad i wish i could turn this off. Im not even angry anymore. nothing provokes any emotion in me anymore. anger has left me, so has joy. all I’m left with is this. i dont even know who i am, what i stand for. what im feeling right now. what matters and what doesnt. none of it makes sense. Life is an endless ocean and i am just a lifebuoy floating left behind by a ship, always floating in one place. never going forward never drowning and ending it all. Letting the currents move me as they want.

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