now that i’ve figured out yet again that its not another person who can make me whole, i feel lost, surrounded by the same fog. aimlessly watching the days pass by, embraced by the same anxieties that had never really left my side, they were always there lurking in the corners, waiting for me to weaken again. i feel afraid, will these feelings ever leave me? its not inadequacy, its more of a fear. friendlessness. i am at my lowest again. with no one to confide in. i have nothing to be proud of, nothing i can stand on. the year has been so good to me, yet i feel like something is wrong. there is a sorrow that i’ve left unaddressed, not on purpose. its more of a turbulence that i’m avoiding. a tip of the iceberg that can potentially ruin me further if i dug any deeper. i feel so so lost. just a week before i was the happiest i have ever been in these 22 years. life was perfect everything was smooth and then as if some switch turned off on saturday and my sandcastle of happiness came crumbling down, it didnt even take a wave to crash it, it just fell under its own weight. what was it, what was the trigger. what made it happen? was it his voice? was it the shattering of an illusion? he turned out to be a normal human, he wasnt the god i had made him out to be. is that it? was that all? why am i so miserable again.

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