home?

Theres things in my mind that i have no control over, my actions, my reactions my bad habits my impulsion, the way i behave, my persona, i can’t keep myslef in check at all times and it really really bothers me. I cant control what i dream of. I’m scared of going to sleep because it means i’ll dream of Newtown again. I keep telling myself that i’m better and i’ve adapted but have i really? Am i really a new surhan? am i no longer the surhan who lived in newtown? my unconscious keeps dragging me into the past and all i can do is run. I keep running and running and i dont even realize how tired i am. how stiff my legs have gotten. or maybe i’ve gotten used to this running. i want to move away from all this thinking and dwelling. i am better and i have adapted. i am better and have adapted. it kills me to think that i can be a thousand kilometers away from a place and it can still haunt me, so deeply so vividly. i cant get rid of these thoughts. everytime i close my eyes im in newtown, i find my way there no matter how im doing in life. The house haunts me, no matter where i am, whether im happy or sad my mind keeps me in check by reminding me of my ugly childhood. its like carrying an invisible sack of potatoes on my shoulders at all times, only i can see it and sometimes even i grow blind to it. i am better and have adapted. have i really or is it something i keep telling myslef to avoid the fact that i’m actually far worse than the newtown surhan? instead of growing out of it and becoming a better person, i keep growing into it. its like a tumor that is getting bigger with me, and its grip on me keeps getting stronger. i want to stop thinking.

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