alone

Never before in my life have i felt more alone. I have more friends than i’ve ever had, i have a loving family, a successful life. I’m doing better than i have ever before, yet this constant state of sadness and loneliness is eating at me. i feel like i have no physical presence, i don’t occupy any space, as if im not matter. i am a thought, an abstract concept that ought to be forgotten. a ghost that only exists faintly in memories.

I dreamt of crossing a four way intersection road, like the ones you find on M.A. Jinnah. I was in my college clothes, it was dark, well past maghrib and i had my laptop clutched in front of my chest like a shield. my hair was half up, the way i used to make it in July. I was alone and scared and big cars kept driving past from all directions, barely missing me. i remember feeling so lost, so alone in the dream i cried. i was trying my best to get through but i felt so weak, so small. i couldn’t cross. no matter how much i walked i never made it farther than the middle of the road. There was still an acre of it left to cross. The traffic police man didn’t see me, or at least pretended not to, or didn’t care. Blur blinding lights kept speeding past me. I woke up sweaty, with that same ache in my chest.

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