Loved

This blog has evolved into a cathartic journal diary  as if i dont already have 5 different rant accounts all over social media. Its funny, the way i cope with life, the way i resort to speaking online where nobody can judge me or know the real me and the way i am so closed off to everyone around me. It’s not like i havent tried letting people in, its just that my feelings scare me and the thought of opening up gives me a panic attack. One time i was telling my best friend of almost 7 years what i wanted to be in the future and i suddenly couldnt speak, like all muscles had given up in my throught and i could feel tears threatening to fall if i continue even 1 more second, and my hands started shaking too. Its amazing how i cant even talk about something as simple as my future without my body going into overdrive. I dont understand why my friends havent left me yet.

People who dont know me think of me as someone who has everything figured out, someone who is too “cool” to be having any troubles with life. And that brings us to my actual rant. Everywhere i’ve been, every person i’ve known has always loved me. I was the favourite child, the favourite student, the smartest the prettiest the wittiest the one all guys are intimidated by the one who has it all. All these people loved a persona of me. Their liking was based on a part of me that i showed them, my extended family loves the chirpy sociable me on eid get togethers, my teachers loved the shy well-behaved studious me, the guys liked me for my looks, my friends liked me beacause i went out of my way to make them feel good. They would run away if i showed them a part of me that was ugly. If i were vulnerable with them and showed them my insecurities, my fears or my real thoughts, they would all leave. I have never grown to live with the feeling of not being liked, never experienced being the least favourite and the thought of soemone hating me makes me want to throwup from anxiety. They like a persona of me and it should be that way. They like the chirpy, smiley, pretty, shy me and i cant show them the suicidal, ugly, anxious, depressed me. So i speak into the void where the people i know in real life wouldnt have to face the real me. And everybody would live happily ever after. Thats how i’ve planned to live i guess. Not the smartest idea but not like i’m planning to live that long either

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